Morning Meditation

i think it’s important to write. and what i’ve realized is i really love it. i love writing and putting my thoughts out there. even if no one reads it. i love the feeling of just expressing everything on my mind. if it’s happy, if it’s sad, if i’m confused, if i’m angry… my tumblr and journal is there… ALWAYS. and so i’ll start with today. in advisory, my advisor dropped a letter off on my desk that was addressed to Gertie Koufax Harris… i opened it expecting one of those random club letters for a club i “signed up” for freshman year but never got around to participating in… anyways, i opened the letter and started reading… the first words were “Congratulations! You’ve been nominated by Ms. Horwitz to be a writing tutor in the RWC” and so i was like what the hell…

1. Ms. Horwitz, was my english teacher from freshman year… and my writing was no where NEAR the level it’s at now, so the fact that she chose me to be a tutor was the most flattering thing ever. The letter explained how i showed leadership and stuff and i was really just happy and flattered because i absolutely love writing… so the fact that i was chosen and thought of to be a tutor for other writers is just so flattering and i was so proud and shocked and happy. 

2. I saw rooney today and she seemed really angry at me… i guess i gotta leave her alone but i didn’t really know what to do. i guess it just made me sad because she just seemed so angry at me and i didn’t understand it…. I saw jack after and he kinda calmed me down just because i’m not gonna be mad back. it’s not worth it for me to lose a friendship. i need to just be the more mature person and look forward and remember she’ll go back to normal soon…. i just need to give her space and let her figure this all out for herself i suppose… that’s what she wants anyways, so i guess that’s what i’ll do… 

3. We had a soccer game today at GBN. I started and played about 25/40 minutes in the half… not bad but it’s okay. we were tied 0-0 at half and our coaches were really not happy…. what was really nice was hearing colegrove say “you all need to be shooting like Gertie is… that left footed bullet wasn’t a perfect shot, but it had speed and accuracy and it was on target and so if you could all shoot like Gertie, we’d be in good shape”. I think that just kinda struck me. I never expected myself to be the one people look to this year. I understand it on JV2, because it’s a lower level…but on JV1? I guess i didn’t realize i was this talented… I never looked at myself and said, “hey gertie, your the best one on the team and you deserve to be on varsity..” because honestly, i don’t and i’m not the best on the team. But what the coaches have told me, is that i’m influential and a leader and i have a heart. And that separates me from the rest. I love this game more than anything in this world. I love scoring. and I really love assisting because it feels like i made a difference. I love knowing that the girls are looking up to me. I love knowing i’m making such a positive difference and i’m so valuable. I guess i just never thought of myself that way and because of that attitude, it’s gotten me so much farther in life. Not just for soccer, but in anything. I’ve learned to enjoy it and if i don’t enjoy it, i shouldn’t be doing it. I went back on the field to start the second half and played 20 minutes. I came out for 5 minutes and my coaches started whispering. I didn’t really understand why until they turned to me and Annie, Dana, Bryna, Kristin, Celia and Emma and said you guys are going back in and were playing 3 on top… I knew that i had to do something because i just didn’t feel like tying to a bad team. So i go in… and immedietly i’m making good runs and pressuring and then a cross comes and celia and emma go up for the header and i realize it’s going to bounce. i took a couple steps left of the play and the ball bounced. lucky positioning and accuracy has been in my benefit lately because i flicked it right over the reaching keeper and the last thing i saw was the ball hitting the back of the net. i remember it so well too because i just knew that my team felt so at ease and my coaches were so happy and i just felt proud. not because i scored, but because i stepped up and i made a difference with the help of those 6 girls that the coaches had put in. a few minutes later, Emma scored off a thru ball from Celia. And then our coaches called the fab 6 out with 3 minutes to go and when i came off the field, Laffey high fived me and said i was doing a great job… but what really struck me was Colegrove. He gave me a fist bump and his teeth were clenched and he was just so happy. he was so proud and he said “are you kidding me?” “are you fricken kidding me?” and i smiled but i just felt so proud. he turned to me and said “you are doing such a great job, and all that heart and pressure and love for the game shows when you play. you always step up and this hard work constantly pays off for you. you keep doing what your doing because this kind of play will get you places”. and I just kinda froze… in seconds i was reliving the experience i had on freshman A as “the second string… energy of the team… bench player” and i thought back to my role on that team and how small and inconsistent and unimportant i felt to the team… then i thought back to my season on JV2 as the captain and as the top goal scorer… the molly cahill of the team. the one girl that everyone looked to. and then i thought to this season. being chosen as one of the captains, easily the most flattering thing i’ve ever heard and so honored. and i thought to the first few games of the season when i didn’t think i’d start this season. I thought about how i would sit on the bench and then that one game when Laffey came up to me and said i’d be starting for Nequa. And since that game i’ve started everyone and played full games and i’ve been that impact player like last year. but when colegrove said those words about being able to go places and working my way up… i thought to that freshman #6 girl on the bench cheering as molly scored goal number 27 and compared it to the 5 goals i’d scored that year. i just couldn’t believe it. I never thought i’d be good enough. i never thought i’d be that impact player and i certainly never saw myself making this impression on people and i just am really in awe. i’m so proud of myself and the hard work. i’m so proud of my team for being so consistent and strong and i’m really just proud of that #6 freshman who thought she didn’t ever have a chance to make it to the better teams. I’m proud she stuck with it and continues to love the sport. And i’m proud she never gave up, even when things didn’t go as planned. I’m proud that she has made a name for herself and i’m proud she’s having the time of her life. Laffey pulled me aside on the bus after the game and told me how important i was to the team, and all i could say was thank you. because really, that is the best compliment and thing to hear. he told me my hard work and effort and ability to step up is such a major thing and that i really lead the team. I just felt proud. 

today i felt proud. and I need to remember this because i have come so far and i’m still going strong. xo